By Jove! I think she's got it

As I sit here rubbing lotion on my enormous calf, I can't help but feel elated that I finally did it. Something clicked in my head, I finally got up, popped in a DVD and exercised..well at least I moved around for about 20 minutes, but dammit I was sweatin'! That B Jillian Michaels ain't no joke.

Well I went back to work today, ugh the agony. Yes I know, some of you may be thinking "shut up, at least you have a job". You are correct, and deep down, way deep down I know you're right. I did try to make the best of it, I brushed a lot of things off and did not succumb to the treachery that is about to unfold. I'm sure that will change, I wish it would have all gone down while I was away, but things never happen that way.

There are how many days in a year?

As I sit here in my room, desperation and anxiety is written all over my face. Today is my last day of being free, I have had a "wonderful" 12 day vacation away from the stress and negativity that surrounds me on a daily basis, and it is all coming to an end. I am having Sunday night anxiety on a Monday. I really don't want to go in tomorrow and face these phony, fake, backstabbing hussies/hustlers that are pretty much comparable to a dementor from Harry Potter. They suck the life right out of you. There is no alternative, I have tried to find another job and we all know this is not easy. I've sent resumes after resumes to no avail. I did get a call back but unfortunately they needed me to live closer to their area and that was a no go. I also did get a 2nd interview from the city. I thought, "wow the city, awesome benefits great hours, all holidays off, even your birthday!" , but in the end I bombed the second interview only to realize I really didn't want the position and it would have been a major pay-cut. Companies really need to come up with different questions when interviewing, seriously it's the same crap "Where do you see yourself in 5 years, why do you want to work here?" , of course my inside voice says something like "here bitch, that's why I applied right?!". They also asked me if I could go back to school what area would I earn a degree in, I of course panicked and said linguistics/dialects.. uhh, yeah linguistics/dialects.. seriously, what in the hell am I gonna do with linguistics/dialects in an admin position. Maybe entertain the boss and say in an Irish accent "Top of the mornin' to ya lad". Complete FAIL that interview, at least I laugh about it and I'm not beating myself up for it. Anyway, moving on...so I have tried to avoid any type of contact with people from the office with the exception of my good friend and spy. Apparently, the whole Boss situation is coming to a close and Boss B is gonna get the boot. So sad, justice will prevail.. eventually. Just makes me sick to my stomach, I really don't want to be put in the middle of that mess which is why I'm not too keen on going back. Ok , enough office talk.


I had a good holiday, went to a nice tropical location, avoided the jungle rebels as my friend puts it and now I'm back here. I didn't find myself, didn't find a damn thing, it was all avoidance. So many things to tackle and I think I have a grip on things, finally. I did a lot of reading and thinking and put a lot of things into perspective, of sorts anyway. So why the title? Well I thought it was appropriate. See, every day I'm going to try something new, even the most tiny insignificant thing, but just something new. I need to break out of this routine I'm in, working especially doing something you hate really voids ones humanity. I really don't want this to be one of "those" blogs, I'm doing this mostly for me. No one has read any of my entries and it's been about a year, so I think I'm safe. It's like being an exhibitionist with saggy tits, the kind that hang down by your ankles, people may stop and take a glance, but they always turn and run like hell.

The location in the picture does exist, I took the picture myself while I was laying in a hammock, surprised the bloody thing didn't collapse. If I close my eyes maybe I could teleport myself back there..nah, didn't work.

Some people's kids

It's official..I detest my boss. See, I have two bosses let's call them Boss A and Boss B. Boss A is an ASSHOLE, I guess he feels the need to compensate for his lack of length and girth and feels the need to lash out. I have never met a more pathetic excuse of a man, a so called Christian man at that. C'mon preacher man, preach! Do unto others as you would like to be done onto you (is that right?). And that is why karma will come and kick you in the nut sack, you son of a B.
Boss B, poor Boss B he is getting screwed over and doesn't even know it. Hope you find out what your partner and asshole of a "friend" are doing to you.

A robot would have been more grateful

I remember when I got my first job at 18, I was so excited because it was then I realized I could afford to spoil my mom for Mother's Day. I was like a kid in a candy store at the local JCPenny, pulling off shirts and pants from the rack, pajamas, underwear even. It was my cocaine, I couldn't wait for Mother's Day, couldn't wait for her to open the gifts, couldn't wait to see the smile on her face letting her know that she was loved and appreciated. Well Mother's Day came and went and I ended going back to the store with all, yes all of the items I purchased, underwear and all. It was then I realized this was no easy feat, my mother was a complex individual who was not easy to please.
Two years later my grandma passed away, days before Mother's Day. I can't even begin to tell you the pain and heartache this caused my mother and I. The years passed, and some years were good and some were not. Which brings me to this year. Knowing how finicky my mother is, she doesn't want clothes, shoes, makeup, jewelry, perfume, knick-knacks, NOTHING.. I knew I was screwed. So I just bought her some essential items, and a rosary which she wanted. Well I guess she woke up on the wrong side of the tracks today.
I wake up to find her in the living room, and I give my salutatory holiday greeting and I get a dry thank you. So we talk for a bit and I tell her how the steering wheel of her car is stiff as a rock, and her response "that's why I want to leave". Yeah for those that need translation, that means she wants to be taken to the heavens, she says this very often and I have told her this is very selfish of her but she keeps on. Right, and she says I'm the one that needs therapy. Anyway, moving on...so she's about to take a shower and I give her the present and she seems pleased, at the moment anyway. She sits down and starts pulling out the gifts a total of 5 items, and it went something like this;
"I don't use this, I don't have time for this...chocolate,okay...oh that's cute" [just imagine the voice of a robot, she was an emotionless piece of scrap metal]
She then puts everything back in the bag, gets up and goes to take a shower.
Wow..Happy fucking Mother's Day to you too.

And the hits keep coming..

Almost one year and 4 blog entries later , I am still where I started that fateful day in June 2009. I can't say too many exciting things have happened I mean I'm still single, still fat (the word alone is cringe worthy), still work at a cest pool of what is called an office, no not much has changed.
If I can go back to the cest pool, I mean the office where I work, I must say that I have never been exposed to such debauchery, greed and disgustingness. I know there is good and evil, but my god man I have never seen a more sick malicious bunch of assholes in my life. Maybe it's my guilt, it is my guilt because I know too much I feel like I have to confess. You see, there are two owners and a third party, an employee what have you , your run of the mill bullshit talker. Well Boss B brought in the bullshitter and 2 yrs later the bullshitter is now plotting against Boss B with Boss A, am I coming in clear? because really , all this Boss A , Boss B , bullshitter bullshit is making me dizzy. So me being the naive 30-something girl that I am, I feel so guilty that I can't do a damn thing, not a thing. I know what you're thinking, I should say something, I should grab Boss B and say "wake up man, they're screwing you over!", I know trust me I want to, I can't though. You don't know what these sorry sacs of shit called men are capable of. THEY ARE THE EMBODIMENT OF EVIL. scary stuff huh. I have contemplated calling Boss B from a payphone and using one of those voice synthesizers, but he'd probably get a kick out of it, not funny I know. I had a good cry last night thinking about this. Apparently I'm like that chick from X-men that can feel people's pain. Is anyone else like this? I would like to think I have some cool superhero power, but then again it's not really all that cool, not like I can walk through walls or anything.
Okay, so I've been contemplating moving, god how I have been contemplating this. My destiny is in London. I've always known it, but never voiced it until now. I just read Kelly Cutrone's book "If you have to cry go outside", fantastic read, I finished it in 3 days. The reason I bring this up is, when she was watching MTV when it first came out, she knew in her gut she was meant to be in NYC, and she was right. She hadn't even been to NYC but she just knew. That's the same feeling I have but I feel silly voicing it. I'm not surrounding by dreamers, I'm surrounded by analytical realists who reason for a living. Oh my god, I can only imagine what they would say "Move to London, yeaaah ok, call me at 7:30pm to play Jeopardy" . Sad ain't it.
Maybe it's because I'm turning 31 and I'm seeing my life flash before my eyes and I've realized I have spent, no , that I did spend all my 20's hiding. Hiding from what? because I'm slightly overweight..what the FUCK! I'm turning 31 and I feel like 40 is around the corner and I don't know what I want to do career wise, I don't feel capable of anything more than a note taker, I don't have a stable group of friends, I live with my mother and my cat..oi vey.
I've given myself two years for the London move, I think it's reasonable. Time to research and act, sounds like a plan huh.
Well kiddies, I think that's enough confessions for now. Signing off.

One step forward, two steps back...

Ok..so it began. I think I've lost weight, although I would be doing a hell of a lot better if I stuck to it 100% and exercised, but one thing at a time please. I don't even want to write about that, I've been feeling pretty shitty lately. This feeling of helplessness and hopelessness has overcome me. Too many things on the brain, work sucks...I think that's one of my main "items". I hate my job. Doesn't one usually hate their job because of the people, the environment? I hate it because I am bored to tears, I haven't had a raise in two years, nor will I anytime in the near future. Everything is so blah with this company. It's so half-ass, the one owner tries to portray this image of exquisiteness & eloquence, please..fake as hell. This company is not what it should be, and people know that, that's why the numbers are in the shitter. They're ALL idiots. It's like a movie on lifetime, this place has it all; lies, betrayal, cheats...my goodness. Don't get me wrong, I love the drama when it's not focused on me. When it is about me, there is nothing more that I would love to do than knock a bitch out. Ok enough about that. I doubt anyone wants to hear more. Who's "anyone"¿? lol. Just me & the cat I guess. I would love a part-time job, but I need the money so that's out of the question. Unless, it's one of those part-times that are like 32-34 hours a week, I could do that. My Sunday night anxiety is kicking in folks and it's not gonna get any better.

School started, yes I have decided to further my education. Going for my nursing degree, I have to take care of the pre-req's first, ugh. I don't know if I'm headed in the right direction. See, I was accepted into a fartsy university back when I was 18 , and my major was pre-med. Because of financial reasons I had to turn it down, my love for medicine gone. It came back, some-what, but now instead of being a neurosurgeon I'm going for nursing. Gotta love Nurses, they put up with all the shit. I would love to do something creative like being a make-up artist, hairdresser...but no can do. If you could see me with my "smokey eye" look, you'd think mike tyson had just beat the shit out of me.

It's freezing in here, 46 degrees. I love it though, got laughed at by two guys today at the walgreens. You could tell they were from up north. I think them coming out of a taxi and wearing sea-sickness patches behind their ears gave it away, after all I do reside in the cruise capital of the world. Anyway, the reason they were laughing is because I looked like a damn eskimo. Normally I'm the type that says how exaggerated people react to the slightest chill, but no, this time it was I being ridiculed. It felt like the 20's , not the decade but degree wise. I guess that's all for now..


I have a confession to make, I didn't take a shower yesterday...it's too damn cold.