Do Over's

You know when someone asks "Is there anything in your life you have regretted, or if you can go back and change one thing about your life what would it be?" And for the most part people answer "I wouldn't change a thing, because I wouldn't be who I am today".You know what I say to that, BOLLOCKS. I'd love to have a do over, if I could just go back, and change that one pivotal moment in my life where I opted to stop living , I would change it in a heartbeat. I'm not particularly happy with how my life has turned out, I have wasted my 20's and my 30's are headed in the same direction. I blame no one but me. I have made decisions and have taken actions in my life that have helped me create a prison in my head. I am the ward of my own prison, with no chance of parole. I know I have the ability to break free, some may say I don't want it bad enough, not true. It's no fun to constantly see people living their lives from a chair that has an ass dent from all the hours of just sitting.

New Beginnings...again

It's dark out, 6:50pm EST , and it's dark, gloomy and raining. Perfect indoor weather. Many developments have happened, for instance I think the biggest news of all is I resigned. The source of all my frustrations and negativity, no more, yet I still feel lost. I'm lonely, I have friends but I want something closer than that. I want an intimate relationship. Not a booty call or one night stand, no I want a relationship with a man, and lots of sex.


I have been celibate for about 6 or 7 years, I honestly don't even know anymore. I only have myself to blame. My insecurities have created a prison in my head that has not allowed me to pursue dating. Yes, I'm fat, overweight, obese, pudgy whatever. But that shouldn't exclude me from being happy with someone..right? I mean I see these girls that are heavier than me and they have these hot ass boyfriends. So I think to myself, it's gotta be in the confidence, of which I have zip, nada, niente. I've always said, more like brainwashed myself into thinking that until I lose at least 50lbs I won't be ready to date. See, here's how I see it. I'm about 100lbs overweight, although I don't really look it (don't they all), anyway I have become so disgustingly complacent and routine like, that even though I want to go out there and have fun and find someone I have convinced myself not yet. Not until I lose weight and get my shit together.


Every Sunday, I prepare my plan of attack , "Ok.. this week I will eat healthier, work out and continue with this until I lose weight little by little". Then on Monday I realize as I'm driving home from work, there is no food in the house and I stop at the Panda Express and pick up chow mein , double serving of sweet fire chicken (yumm), and wait for it..an order of rangoons. ::Sigh:: I'm hopeless, atleast I'm hoping that I was hopeless and now I'm just hopeful, we'll see.


I just don't know if I can "fake it till I make it". I don't feel comfortable in my skin with the opposite sex. Maybe if I was one of those heavy girls that had a skinny neck and defined jaw line , not strong just defined it would be easier. I'm very self conscious about the fact I have a triple chin going on, and there is nothing I can do to hide it. Not to mention that I made the grave mistake of cutting my luscious long locks shoulder length, just to get my hair healthy again. I look like Benjamin Franklin..I swear I'm not kidding. I even have a side by side comparison shot of a photo taken of me going down a water slide, not very aesthetically pleasing I must say. So where does that leave me, planning my plan of attack? It is Sunday after-all. Who knows, but I better decide quick, I wasted my 20's and I can't do that in my 30's. I'm already two years in for fuck's sake.

Does your life have a soundtrack?

Have you ever experienced a moment in time when a song comes on the radio and you are immediately teleported into a movie of your life? Let me explain, you know in the movies when the lead has a life issue, some sort of problem and is completely lost and then out of the blue experiences an epiphany and BAM a song comes on, and this song is playing throughout the whole time they are "fixing" whatever broke them. Well..that's what I mean, only that in my case I haven't "fixed" anything, it's more so an inspiring feeling that I will one day be able to "fix" whatever the issue is. Anyway, every time "Everybody wants to rule the world" by Tears for Fears, I get the feeling. I know what the song is about, and I don't understand why in the world it's my song, must be the melody or something, who knows.

So lots to catch up on, Boss B is no longer with the company, my cohort is also no longer there. I am flying solo manolo, and more desperate than ever to leave. Oh and did I mention I went to the UK, yes London more specifically. A few posts back (not that I have so many) I mentioned I wanted to move to London, well I didn't move but I was there for quite some time, and it was everything I expected it to be. Yes it was everything I expected it to be, even with me short circuiting the power ('eh, stupid Americana) , but in a way it worked out in my favor as I played the "I don't know what happened" card and got moved to a nicer room. As I was leaving the room I heard two ladies in their most posh British accents "Did you lose electricity in the room?? right" ..lol, wow.

I did expect to fall in love, or at least have a fling but neither happened. No looks, no nothing. Well I did manage to lose 25lbs, only 75lbs more to go. Very exciting I guess. I have made meself a promise that my New Years I will be wearing this hot black dress which I managed to find after I had a dream I was wearing it to a party. Now it's a bit insane but I think, I may be able to pull it off. I have 9 months to New Years, I think it's doable, I hope I will be doable by then as well. I mean, if a baby can be created and come thrashing out a vagina in 9 months, I think I can lose this weight. (I put a pic below, don't know the girl..obviously it's not me and if it was me and I needed to lose 75lbs I think I'd need a good kick in the arse). Ok, all for now.