Quick,make a wish...

Almost a year without posting, no excuses, guess I just didn't feel like writing..for shame! Well if anyone has bothered to read my blog, they'll know I made a list of sorts..things I wanted to do. For those that need a refresher, those "wishes" were;
-New job
-Move
-Lose weight
Check, check, check! How exciting, I actually fulfilled all the items, feels odd. I changed jobs back in June '11, it's been almost a year. I'm looking for a new job though, I need mo' money, w/out mo' problems. I just moved out of my apt. last week, the place is nicer BUT, of course always a but, it's smaller and infested w/insects..not like hoarders, but one insect too many. On the bright side though, I did manage to lose almost 60lbs. I did/am slacking for a month, so I need to jump back on it..maybe another 60lbs and then I can whore it up...wait, what?Still no dating though. My god, it's been forever since I've had relations...I swear I don't look like the elephant man, but then again I think he got more action than me.

Do Over's

You know when someone asks "Is there anything in your life you have regretted, or if you can go back and change one thing about your life what would it be?" And for the most part people answer "I wouldn't change a thing, because I wouldn't be who I am today".You know what I say to that, BOLLOCKS. I'd love to have a do over, if I could just go back, and change that one pivotal moment in my life where I opted to stop living , I would change it in a heartbeat. I'm not particularly happy with how my life has turned out, I have wasted my 20's and my 30's are headed in the same direction. I blame no one but me. I have made decisions and have taken actions in my life that have helped me create a prison in my head. I am the ward of my own prison, with no chance of parole. I know I have the ability to break free, some may say I don't want it bad enough, not true. It's no fun to constantly see people living their lives from a chair that has an ass dent from all the hours of just sitting.

New Beginnings...again

It's dark out, 6:50pm EST , and it's dark, gloomy and raining. Perfect indoor weather. Many developments have happened, for instance I think the biggest news of all is I resigned. The source of all my frustrations and negativity, no more, yet I still feel lost. I'm lonely, I have friends but I want something closer than that. I want an intimate relationship. Not a booty call or one night stand, no I want a relationship with a man, and lots of sex.


I have been celibate for about 6 or 7 years, I honestly don't even know anymore. I only have myself to blame. My insecurities have created a prison in my head that has not allowed me to pursue dating. Yes, I'm fat, overweight, obese, pudgy whatever. But that shouldn't exclude me from being happy with someone..right? I mean I see these girls that are heavier than me and they have these hot ass boyfriends. So I think to myself, it's gotta be in the confidence, of which I have zip, nada, niente. I've always said, more like brainwashed myself into thinking that until I lose at least 50lbs I won't be ready to date. See, here's how I see it. I'm about 100lbs overweight, although I don't really look it (don't they all), anyway I have become so disgustingly complacent and routine like, that even though I want to go out there and have fun and find someone I have convinced myself not yet. Not until I lose weight and get my shit together.


Every Sunday, I prepare my plan of attack , "Ok.. this week I will eat healthier, work out and continue with this until I lose weight little by little". Then on Monday I realize as I'm driving home from work, there is no food in the house and I stop at the Panda Express and pick up chow mein , double serving of sweet fire chicken (yumm), and wait for it..an order of rangoons. ::Sigh:: I'm hopeless, atleast I'm hoping that I was hopeless and now I'm just hopeful, we'll see.


I just don't know if I can "fake it till I make it". I don't feel comfortable in my skin with the opposite sex. Maybe if I was one of those heavy girls that had a skinny neck and defined jaw line , not strong just defined it would be easier. I'm very self conscious about the fact I have a triple chin going on, and there is nothing I can do to hide it. Not to mention that I made the grave mistake of cutting my luscious long locks shoulder length, just to get my hair healthy again. I look like Benjamin Franklin..I swear I'm not kidding. I even have a side by side comparison shot of a photo taken of me going down a water slide, not very aesthetically pleasing I must say. So where does that leave me, planning my plan of attack? It is Sunday after-all. Who knows, but I better decide quick, I wasted my 20's and I can't do that in my 30's. I'm already two years in for fuck's sake.

Does your life have a soundtrack?

Have you ever experienced a moment in time when a song comes on the radio and you are immediately teleported into a movie of your life? Let me explain, you know in the movies when the lead has a life issue, some sort of problem and is completely lost and then out of the blue experiences an epiphany and BAM a song comes on, and this song is playing throughout the whole time they are "fixing" whatever broke them. Well..that's what I mean, only that in my case I haven't "fixed" anything, it's more so an inspiring feeling that I will one day be able to "fix" whatever the issue is. Anyway, every time "Everybody wants to rule the world" by Tears for Fears, I get the feeling. I know what the song is about, and I don't understand why in the world it's my song, must be the melody or something, who knows.

So lots to catch up on, Boss B is no longer with the company, my cohort is also no longer there. I am flying solo manolo, and more desperate than ever to leave. Oh and did I mention I went to the UK, yes London more specifically. A few posts back (not that I have so many) I mentioned I wanted to move to London, well I didn't move but I was there for quite some time, and it was everything I expected it to be. Yes it was everything I expected it to be, even with me short circuiting the power ('eh, stupid Americana) , but in a way it worked out in my favor as I played the "I don't know what happened" card and got moved to a nicer room. As I was leaving the room I heard two ladies in their most posh British accents "Did you lose electricity in the room?? right" ..lol, wow.

I did expect to fall in love, or at least have a fling but neither happened. No looks, no nothing. Well I did manage to lose 25lbs, only 75lbs more to go. Very exciting I guess. I have made meself a promise that my New Years I will be wearing this hot black dress which I managed to find after I had a dream I was wearing it to a party. Now it's a bit insane but I think, I may be able to pull it off. I have 9 months to New Years, I think it's doable, I hope I will be doable by then as well. I mean, if a baby can be created and come thrashing out a vagina in 9 months, I think I can lose this weight. (I put a pic below, don't know the girl..obviously it's not me and if it was me and I needed to lose 75lbs I think I'd need a good kick in the arse). Ok, all for now.

By Jove! I think she's got it

As I sit here rubbing lotion on my enormous calf, I can't help but feel elated that I finally did it. Something clicked in my head, I finally got up, popped in a DVD and exercised..well at least I moved around for about 20 minutes, but dammit I was sweatin'! That B Jillian Michaels ain't no joke.

Well I went back to work today, ugh the agony. Yes I know, some of you may be thinking "shut up, at least you have a job". You are correct, and deep down, way deep down I know you're right. I did try to make the best of it, I brushed a lot of things off and did not succumb to the treachery that is about to unfold. I'm sure that will change, I wish it would have all gone down while I was away, but things never happen that way.

There are how many days in a year?

As I sit here in my room, desperation and anxiety is written all over my face. Today is my last day of being free, I have had a "wonderful" 12 day vacation away from the stress and negativity that surrounds me on a daily basis, and it is all coming to an end. I am having Sunday night anxiety on a Monday. I really don't want to go in tomorrow and face these phony, fake, backstabbing hussies/hustlers that are pretty much comparable to a dementor from Harry Potter. They suck the life right out of you. There is no alternative, I have tried to find another job and we all know this is not easy. I've sent resumes after resumes to no avail. I did get a call back but unfortunately they needed me to live closer to their area and that was a no go. I also did get a 2nd interview from the city. I thought, "wow the city, awesome benefits great hours, all holidays off, even your birthday!" , but in the end I bombed the second interview only to realize I really didn't want the position and it would have been a major pay-cut. Companies really need to come up with different questions when interviewing, seriously it's the same crap "Where do you see yourself in 5 years, why do you want to work here?" , of course my inside voice says something like "here bitch, that's why I applied right?!". They also asked me if I could go back to school what area would I earn a degree in, I of course panicked and said linguistics/dialects.. uhh, yeah linguistics/dialects.. seriously, what in the hell am I gonna do with linguistics/dialects in an admin position. Maybe entertain the boss and say in an Irish accent "Top of the mornin' to ya lad". Complete FAIL that interview, at least I laugh about it and I'm not beating myself up for it. Anyway, moving on...so I have tried to avoid any type of contact with people from the office with the exception of my good friend and spy. Apparently, the whole Boss situation is coming to a close and Boss B is gonna get the boot. So sad, justice will prevail.. eventually. Just makes me sick to my stomach, I really don't want to be put in the middle of that mess which is why I'm not too keen on going back. Ok , enough office talk.


I had a good holiday, went to a nice tropical location, avoided the jungle rebels as my friend puts it and now I'm back here. I didn't find myself, didn't find a damn thing, it was all avoidance. So many things to tackle and I think I have a grip on things, finally. I did a lot of reading and thinking and put a lot of things into perspective, of sorts anyway. So why the title? Well I thought it was appropriate. See, every day I'm going to try something new, even the most tiny insignificant thing, but just something new. I need to break out of this routine I'm in, working especially doing something you hate really voids ones humanity. I really don't want this to be one of "those" blogs, I'm doing this mostly for me. No one has read any of my entries and it's been about a year, so I think I'm safe. It's like being an exhibitionist with saggy tits, the kind that hang down by your ankles, people may stop and take a glance, but they always turn and run like hell.

The location in the picture does exist, I took the picture myself while I was laying in a hammock, surprised the bloody thing didn't collapse. If I close my eyes maybe I could teleport myself back there..nah, didn't work.

Some people's kids

It's official..I detest my boss. See, I have two bosses let's call them Boss A and Boss B. Boss A is an ASSHOLE, I guess he feels the need to compensate for his lack of length and girth and feels the need to lash out. I have never met a more pathetic excuse of a man, a so called Christian man at that. C'mon preacher man, preach! Do unto others as you would like to be done onto you (is that right?). And that is why karma will come and kick you in the nut sack, you son of a B.
Boss B, poor Boss B he is getting screwed over and doesn't even know it. Hope you find out what your partner and asshole of a "friend" are doing to you.