It's dark out, 6:50pm EST , and it's dark, gloomy and raining. Perfect indoor weather. Many developments have happened, for instance I think the biggest news of all is I resigned. The source of all my frustrations and negativity, no more, yet I still feel lost. I'm lonely, I have friends but I want something closer than that. I want an intimate relationship. Not a booty call or one night stand, no I want a relationship with a man, and lots of sex.
I have been celibate for about 6 or 7 years, I honestly don't even know anymore. I only have myself to blame. My insecurities have created a prison in my head that has not allowed me to pursue dating. Yes, I'm fat, overweight, obese, pudgy whatever. But that shouldn't exclude me from being happy with someone..right? I mean I see these girls that are heavier than me and they have these hot ass boyfriends. So I think to myself, it's gotta be in the confidence, of which I have zip, nada, niente. I've always said, more like brainwashed myself into thinking that until I lose at least 50lbs I won't be ready to date. See, here's how I see it. I'm about 100lbs overweight, although I don't really look it (don't they all), anyway I have become so disgustingly complacent and routine like, that even though I want to go out there and have fun and find someone I have convinced myself not yet. Not until I lose weight and get my shit together.
Every Sunday, I prepare my plan of attack , "Ok.. this week I will eat healthier, work out and continue with this until I lose weight little by little". Then on Monday I realize as I'm driving home from work, there is no food in the house and I stop at the Panda Express and pick up chow mein , double serving of sweet fire chicken (yumm), and wait for it..an order of rangoons. ::Sigh:: I'm hopeless, atleast I'm hoping that I was hopeless and now I'm just hopeful, we'll see.
I just don't know if I can "fake it till I make it". I don't feel comfortable in my skin with the opposite sex. Maybe if I was one of those heavy girls that had a skinny neck and defined jaw line , not strong just defined it would be easier. I'm very self conscious about the fact I have a triple chin going on, and there is nothing I can do to hide it. Not to mention that I made the grave mistake of cutting my luscious long locks shoulder length, just to get my hair healthy again. I look like Benjamin Franklin..I swear I'm not kidding. I even have a side by side comparison shot of a photo taken of me going down a water slide, not very aesthetically pleasing I must say. So where does that leave me, planning my plan of attack? It is Sunday after-all. Who knows, but I better decide quick, I wasted my 20's and I can't do that in my 30's. I'm already two years in for fuck's sake.
