A stranger walks into a bar...

I am back.. wow 6 months have passed and nothing has changed. Ok, ok this isn't going to be a "woe is me" wrist over forehead entry. No nothing like that. Like many "lost" people out there, a lot of thinking , speculating and soul searching is going on now that the year is heading to a close. You know it's funny, last year I thought that going away for new years would break the chain of lonely , losery holidays, and what I'm realizing now is , not only was that a bunch of shite (yes shite , prononced sh-ite), but it's a recurring cycle. So what if I was in another city last year during the new year, I was still lonely and losery. And this year it'll probably be the same. See the thing is, I don't want to leave my mom by herself. Unfortunately we have alienated ourselves from our family, this happened about 17 years ago. So, really it's just me and her. And ever since my grandma passed 10 years, she has become an insufferable, bitter hermit. I can say these things because she is my mother, and also because I am heading in that direction as well. I'm 30, no family of my own, no boyfriend in sight, not even an interest. I'm overweight, sloppy and miserable at my job. Wow, I'm just a ball full of sunshine huh. Seeing as that no one will probably ever read this , I feel ok with pouring out these gruesome details. Let's keep at it shall we?? My bestfriend is another hermit, that is trying to live his life now at 29 and wants me to go along for the ride. We used to date 10 years ago and after 1 yr he broke it off and his reasoning , he wanted to see other people. See I was his first everything, who can blame him. And it was for the better. He's too honest though, brutally honest. Makes me feel bad sometimes, it's like a love hate relationship sometimes, he drives me crazy like my mother. This can't be healthy... can it?

Ever since I can remember I wanted New Year's to be special, to be with a big group of friends, or have a guy that I can kiss at midnight... yup nothing like that. Just me , my mom and my cat. People tell me I should go out and have fun, but how can I? I would feel horrible , leaving my mom on a New Year's, alone? The guilt would eat me up like a phagocyte in a cell.. wow , quite clever huh. It doesn't even matter, not like I can wear anything "sexy", I feel and look like a behemoth.

In a more positive step, I received my order of Nutrisystem a few days ago. When I was 22, and about 60 lbs less I tried the program and lost 30lbs, it was amazing - what a feeling. Too bad it only lasted a month, I gained it right back. So now that I have approximately 100lbs to lose, I'm hoping I can do it one step at a time and lose some of this weight that's killing me physically, and draining me emotionally.
Maybe that's what I'll do, sorry I just had an internal thought. I'll blog about my weight loss, and everything that happens in my day to day. Nothing exciting, but hey it's a start.

I have a confession to make...I haven't had sex since Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was in theaters (Part 3)...yeah, number 7 comes out next year.

30 Day Detox

30 Day Detox. It's not what you think, I'm not entering rehab, well not the type you may be thinking. See I'm entering rehab for my "soul". Wow, how lame was that. But seriously, in my previous blog I mentioned I had turned 30 recently, some people by now, at-least the people I knew/know have families, careers , amazing lives. I blame facebook, how many times has anyone just sat there looking through pictures of old acquaintances and said "damn, what the hell have I done?" I kid I kid, I can't blame a social networking site for my troubles, I am the only one to blame, and that children is your first step into being an adult, recognizing the fact you can't blame anyone for your choices. Unless that bitch from accounting screwed up your pay check for saying her kid looked like a cyclops.

As I was saying before I broke out into "woe is me" , I have decided a 30 day detox would be good for me, it's not for drugs or alcohol, nothing like that, but more so for me. Still not following me? Not your fault, I keep beating around the bush. Ok here's the deal, I am going to live, not just exist. So therefore, I am going to sit down and draw out a routine, funny how I've normally thought of that as a bad word, "routine" but every now and then it's good for you. Where was I? oh yes, drawing out my routine. The three most important things I need to work on, my fitness , my finances and my spirituality, oh and my socialness (is this a word?). That makes it four.

My Fitness

I like to vegetate, I am a big believer in vegetation and not the farming kind. My life in the past 6 years has consisted of the following; wake up, work, come home, sleep. Somewhere in there I sneak in a shower , food and the internet. Sorry folks, can't give up the internet, don't ask me to I wont. So I've decided it's time I get my tucus up from the chair :::oooh I hear the sound of velcro:::: and start fitnessing myself. I hear this is good not only for health reasons, but boosts up confidence. Alright I like that.

My Finances

This one is tough. See I never thought myself as a shop-aholic , but I can see where I may be at pre-risk for it. I buy entirely too much make up that I don't wear. I can't help it, I'm a girl , bold colors and sparkly things attract me. This is pretty much the source of my problem. I see it useless to wear makeup at work, I'm not trying to impress anyone there, but from what I'm being told it's not about impressing anyone , its about making oneself feel good. Alright I'll try that, and no more shopping for a while.

Spirituality

Everyone's gotta believe in something.

Socialness

Seriously, I haven't been on a date since my last boyfriend, and that was 2001. If I do my math correctly, that's 8 years of not dating a different guy, and I broke up with my ex in 2003, so thats 6 years of nothing. I'm not a beast, I just would prefer not to load my baggage onto someone else. See, I'm considerate, date me! date me!

That's it. So these four aspects of my life need improving and it's time I start, otherwise I'll be a 45 year old spinster with multiple cats, I have one already so I would just need about 11 more.

Here's to me, and new beginnings ::clink, clink:::

Realizations

It's Saturday night and I'm home. That's pretty much it, actually that's been my life for quite some time now. Not sure where the time went, it went by so fast. I'm not a recluse , or agoraphobic by any means, although sometimes I wonder. I wonder what it was , the trigger that set it off. I turned 30 recently and it feels as if I wasted my 20's, and now I'm trying to catch up , knowing very well that I can't. The past came and went in a blink of an eye. I've had an epiphany of sorts, either that or I finally got some sense knocked into me. I used to call them epiphany sundays. I'd sit there pondering what it really is I'm doing with life, what it is I really want to do wishing I didn't have to go into work the following day. I now refer to this as sunday night anxiety. Like most people I don't feel I'm using my potential , my full potential. Is it possible some people just don't have it? I have to believe that's not true, otherwise I'm doomed to a life of routine with no excitement as it generally has been the past few years. Wake up , go to work, come home, go to sleep (x's 5 days). On the weekends it's a little different, really all it is is take out the work part. This is starting to sound like a major debbie downer ::bwaa bwaa:: would that be the sound effect? Just make sure to tilt your head to the side when saying ::bwaa bwaa:: . So many things out there to do, shouldn't I just go out there and take hold of everything? Live life to the fullest! they say. Yeah , I'm much more comfortable watching life from my chair. So much for my realizations. My friend once said, if you don't like something fix it. Wise words. I need fixing, too bad there are no maintenance men to fix flawed humans. Now that would be a money making business. "Yes, hello I need someone to come over I'm just feeling a little down today, my pants are too tight, can you help". Hmm, sounds more like a pick-up line. This has become a very depressing post, didn't mean it to be. I am thankful for many things, and am grateful for the opportunities that have come my way, but something's missing.