I am back.. wow 6 months have passed and nothing has changed. Ok, ok this isn't going to be a "woe is me" wrist over forehead entry. No nothing like that. Like many "lost" people out there, a lot of thinking , speculating and soul searching is going on now that the year is heading to a close. You know it's funny, last year I thought that going away for new years would break the chain of lonely , losery holidays, and what I'm realizing now is , not only was that a bunch of shite (yes shite , prononced sh-ite), but it's a recurring cycle. So what if I was in another city last year during the new year, I was still lonely and losery. And this year it'll probably be the same. See the thing is, I don't want to leave my mom by herself. Unfortunately we have alienated ourselves from our family, this happened about 17 years ago. So, really it's just me and her. And ever since my grandma passed 10 years, she has become an insufferable, bitter hermit. I can say these things because she is my mother, and also because I am heading in that direction as well. I'm 30, no family of my own, no boyfriend in sight, not even an interest. I'm overweight, sloppy and miserable at my job. Wow, I'm just a ball full of sunshine huh. Seeing as that no one will probably ever read this , I feel ok with pouring out these gruesome details. Let's keep at it shall we?? My bestfriend is another hermit, that is trying to live his life now at 29 and wants me to go along for the ride. We used to date 10 years ago and after 1 yr he broke it off and his reasoning , he wanted to see other people. See I was his first everything, who can blame him. And it was for the better. He's too honest though, brutally honest. Makes me feel bad sometimes, it's like a love hate relationship sometimes, he drives me crazy like my mother. This can't be healthy... can it?
Ever since I can remember I wanted New Year's to be special, to be with a big group of friends, or have a guy that I can kiss at midnight... yup nothing like that. Just me , my mom and my cat. People tell me I should go out and have fun, but how can I? I would feel horrible , leaving my mom on a New Year's, alone? The guilt would eat me up like a phagocyte in a cell.. wow , quite clever huh. It doesn't even matter, not like I can wear anything "sexy", I feel and look like a behemoth.
In a more positive step, I received my order of Nutrisystem a few days ago. When I was 22, and about 60 lbs less I tried the program and lost 30lbs, it was amazing - what a feeling. Too bad it only lasted a month, I gained it right back. So now that I have approximately 100lbs to lose, I'm hoping I can do it one step at a time and lose some of this weight that's killing me physically, and draining me emotionally.
Maybe that's what I'll do, sorry I just had an internal thought. I'll blog about my weight loss, and everything that happens in my day to day. Nothing exciting, but hey it's a start.
I have a confession to make...I haven't had sex since Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was in theaters (Part 3)...yeah, number 7 comes out next year.
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